FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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