Your face is a jimmy john
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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