I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
