Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
