Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
