Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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