She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
