I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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