Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
It's shark week go big or go home
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
