SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
