figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
