When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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