4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
