I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
