I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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