This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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