Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Randomize
