From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
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When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
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Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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