I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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