I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
