mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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