"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
