I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
