woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
