Even the bartender felt bad for me
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
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