i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
