if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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