I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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