you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
