Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
