Can i not drive my cunt home
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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