wrigley field is MILF paradise
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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