I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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