I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Barsexuality is the new black.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
