Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
