I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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