Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
