Texts From Last Night

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  (613): View more from Ontario

  I want to stick my p in your. b.

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  (613): I want to stick my p in your. b. http://tfl.nu/0x6h
  Replies (14) Good night (1273) Bad night (897)
• Favorite

  (305): View more from Florida

  gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill

  (970): View more from Colorado

  did you ask her what wine to pair it with?

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  (305): gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill (970): did you ask her what wine to pair it with? http://tfl.nu/3bdr
  Replies (7) Good night (5509) Bad night (683)
• Favorite

  (563): View more from Iowa

  Your favorite bartender is back from prision

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  (563): Your favorite bartender is back from prision http://tfl.nu/uuje
  Replies (12) Good night (6453) Bad night (813)
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.

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  (651): I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol. http://tfl.nu/cmai
  Replies (21) Good night (3628) Bad night (673)
• Favorite

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now

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  (504): there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now http://tfl.nu/squr
  Replies (40) Good night (9252) Bad night (1351)
• Favorite

  (218): View more from Minnesota

  Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?

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  (218): Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'? http://tfl.nu/wgpy
  Replies (15) Good night (1644) Bad night (4758)
• Favorite

  (440): View more from Ohio

  yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.

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  (440): yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything. http://tfl.nu/2obm
  Replies (3) Good night (2951) Bad night (739)
• Favorite

  (216): View more from Ohio

  The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move

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  (216): The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move http://tfl.nu/h1eb
  Replies (26) Good night (2929) Bad night (1034)
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  How was the party last night?

  (314): View more from Missouri

  There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.

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  (310): How was the party last night? (314): There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it. http://tfl.nu/sxu8
  Replies (4) Good night (1806) Bad night (900)
• Favorite

  (391): View more from

  She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once

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  (391): She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once http://tfl.nu/4via
  Replies (11) Good night (436) Bad night (1868)
• Favorite

  (949): View more from California

  I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea

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  (949): I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea http://tfl.nu/q7zc
  Replies (5) Good night (571) Bad night (1200)
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness

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  (215): they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness http://tfl.nu/sk3k
  Replies (3) Good night (1609) Bad night (463)
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.

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  (651): god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again. (508): I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended. http://tfl.nu/x893
  Replies (2) Good night (391) Bad night (252)
• Favorite

  (956): View more from Texas

  There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.

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  (956): There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried. http://tfl.nu/mygr
  Replies (0) Good night (400) Bad night (266)
• Favorite

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.

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  (304): He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete. http://tfl.nu/4eka
  Replies (1) Good night (785) Bad night (232)

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