i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
