nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
