Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
