so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
