Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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