The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
