someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
