I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
