wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
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