I seem to have left my pride at pride
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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