Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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