What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
im on a boat
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