is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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