Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
