I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
