We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
