at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Im part way to drunk.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
