Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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