can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
