oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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